


Can Hardly Breathe

by seratonation



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-24
Updated: 2011-09-24
Packaged: 2017-10-24 16:25:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seratonation/pseuds/seratonation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for <a href="http://xenozime.livejournal.com/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://xenozime.livejournal.com/"><b>xenozime</b></a> who asked for <a href="http://1stclass-kink.livejournal.com/6527.html?thread=11018879#t11018879">this</a> prompt in the <a href="http://1stclass-kink.livejournal.com/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://1stclass-kink.livejournal.com/"><b>1stclass_kink</b></a> which said:  <i>With the threat of a nuclear war over, the humans--Americans and Soviets--band together in their shared goal to eliminate mutants. Erik, who knew this betrayal would eventually come, invites all mutants standing with him on the shores of Cuba the chance to fight back against the imminent oppression.</i></p><p><i>They all accept.</i></p><p><i>That is, all of them, save one Charles Francis Xavier.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Can Hardly Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> All feedback and con crit loved, I would have loved to write more for this, but I think that’s as much angst I can take for Charles, all compacted in to a few hundred words. Originally posted [here](http://1stclass-kink.livejournal.com/6527.html?thread=12359551#t12359551)

  
  
Charles is fine.

At least, that's what he kept telling everyone. The truth is though, he was close to giving up. In the space of a few minutes he'd lost everything; his students, his friends, his sister, his legs.

He isn’t even sure why any more.

The doctors said it will get better with time but he could hear their pity, their inability to see him happy again. All they saw was treatment options.

He stopped going to the doctors.

***

Most days he managed to get out of the bed. At first dealing with himself and the dead weight of his legs and trying to get into the chair was too much effort. He had his servants bring him his meals, sometimes not getting out of bed for days on end.

When he did manage to get out of bed, the house was not manoeuvrable. He felt like a mouse trapped in a maze, looking for a way out, or for a reward, anything that wasn’t empty halls and dark rooms.

Sometimes he wondered if it had all been a dream, if he was really a mad man that had hallucinated it all. Those days he’d go to the study, park his chair in front of a chessboard that no one dared to touch and just watched.

He’d go through every scenario; every possibility but it all ended the same. You couldn’t predict what people would do.

***

When Raven told him she wanted to visit, Charles made an effort. He truly did. He got dressed (had someone help him get dressed) he shaved his week old beard, brushed his thinning hair and waited.

She was wearing a white dress, a stark contrast to her blue skin.

"Charles," she said, when she first saw him, running to hug him. He hugged her back, but the angle was all wrong, and it was more awkward than anything.

He led her into the guest room and had someone bring them tea.

When the silence drew on too long he smiled at her. "You look well," he said, and she did. She was practically glowing and more comfortable in her natural form then Charles had ever seen her.

"I am," she said, "we're going to do so much, Charles, but I’m not here to talk about me." She hesitated, "how have you been?"

"I'm fine," he said, "I’ve got teaching offers coming in, I might go hold a few lectures in a few weeks."

"That’s great," she said, "that sounds really good, what about Moira?"

"She’s gone," he said, "she had her own work to do, and without the new division, her agents, she was put on a new case."

It was mostly a lie, but it was better than what had actually happened.

"I’m sorry Charles," Raven said, and he knew it wasn’t just for Moira leaving.

"It’s fine," he said, shaking his head, waving a hand, smiling again, "really, I will go about my business, and you will go about yours."

"Come with me Charles," she said, "join us."

"I can't," he said, clutching at the arm of his chair, "you know I can't, Erik’s ideals-" he shook his head, "he's wrong, killing humans is not the answer."

He expected her to get angry, but she became sad instead.

"Charles," she said, tears in her eyes, "I don’t- you’re all alone-"

"I am not," he said, "there will be other students-"

"But without Hank-"

"Raven," he said, rubbing his forehead, maiming weariness, but instead pushed a thought at her, an image of him that was better than the reality, happier, content with how things turned out. "I'm fine," he said again, making sure it reverberated all the way to the centre of her mind.

She blinked a couple of times, and then stood up. "I can see that you’re doing well," she said, "thank you for the tea."

"Tell Erik and the others I said hello," he told her.

"I will," she said, and then smiled, bending down to hug him again, "it’s not the end of the world you know, we can still see each other, you should come visit."

He smiled, making sure she saw it as genuine, that the last image she saw of him was of the old Charles, the one she knew and not what he has become. "Maybe I will,” he lied.

He watched her go, and then rolled his way to his room. He knew he was doing the right thing. It still felt like he was drowning.  



End file.
